My Soft, Weeping Heart

So, let go my soul and trust him. / The waves and wind still know his name./ And it is well with my soul. (Kristen DiMarco & Bethel Music -- "It is Well") 

The heart that is close to God is so soft. But carrying a soft heart comes with some hard side-affects; mainly, tears. The kind that silently and gently roll steadily and unbrushed down from the overflow of the eye to the bend of the chin, and continue on down to the heart. 

When it is actually well with my soul I am both up-rooted and planted at the same time. Oxymorons take over my life and I can not escape that deep inside there is always to be weeping. Not the depressed kind of weeping that comes from the darkness and lies of the devil (I too, know that weeping.). Instead, this kind of soft, hush of a weep that penetrates, and sears my heart with a smidgen of the passion Christ lived with. A weeping that simply means, I give it all up, Lord. None of what this earth has to offer is worth fighting for. In these moments of self-defeat, I am not defeated. Instead, I am drawn close to this rock that never waivers. This rock that set the world in motion and is also present in every breath and step I take. 

In the recognition of the intimate involvement of God in my life the tears slowly flow because there are yet so many things that I cannot comprehend about my place on earth, His place in heaven, and the omnipresence of the Holy Spirit all around me. My humanity is such a drag sometimes, really (chincha!). But if all of this universe is planned and purposed, so too is my humanity; my every step and every dream on this earth--it all matters! IT ALL MATTERS! IT ALL MATTERS! 

As the tears roll on, the answers don't always come, but the peace does. As the tears roll on, the blur brings to clarity that I am softened for a purpose. I have known hardness of heart too. I have known those dangerous places of the soul. I have known the hiding in the cleft of the rock moments. And those moments too hold purpose and product. 

So, when I am softened, humbly I fall down. Flattened by the weight of the immensity of a God who knows me and won't turn from me: A savior who pursues me because he knows me better than I know myself. And all I really want is to live a life that is worthy of the lover of my deepest soul. I don't want the easy life. I want to do the hard things because He did the hardest thing. I want to live in joyful, confident obedience to the calling he has put in me--the purposes he designed and set-aside just for me. 

But dang, it! Doing the hard things is hard. And I look around and wonder, do we see that the hard life isn't fulfilling because it is somehow easy. No, it is fulfilling because everything that doesn't matter gets stripped away, there just isn't time for comparison, judgment, skepticism, consuming and staking boundary lines. There are people dying, there are children starving, there are widows lonely and wondering if at the end of it all their lives still matter.  And my humanity is supposed to reach them with the Jesus hands and feet I have been given. 

And my soft heart just can't handle it all, so it weeps. And I wonder, when will I really start doing the hard things. When will I let this weight of glory move me toward obedience? When will I stop seeing being like Jesus as daunting, and instead recognize it is simply loving a stranger or a friend because Jesus lives in that person's soul too. That person's heart might be heavy and weeping just like mine. That person just might change my life because in our encounter are purpose and meaning--a divine providence. All of life is holy ground when viewed from this vantage point. 

And the only way through it all is to keep my eyes on Him and my soul soft. Neither of which I can do out of my own strength or motivation. Instead, I am moment-by-moment reliant on the grace, mercy and power of the Holy one living in my heart, soul and mind. 

So, let go my soul and trust in Him. He will lead you to the hard things. He will equip you to do them. 

#iflead2015